Kristin Orsucci
KMS Student Assistance Counselor
If you are like many parents of adolescents, you see an article like this one and begin reading it feeling a mixture of hope and fear. Hope that you will find out that you are doing everything right and fear that you might find out you're not. This article is not meant to answer any question so big, but simply to offer a friendly reminder of what to try to do when parenting a teenager. In fact, I am only going to offer you 1 tip to focus on (but it can be a tricky one): listen to your teen.
Listen, not just to the information they are giving but to how they are feeling. Since adolescents typically operate from their emotions first, their emotions need to be recognized before they are able to hear any logical reason about what they are going through. When listening to how they feel, try not to correct or judge their feelings but to acknowledge that you hear them. When their feelings are heard, they are more open to hearing the logical, factual information they need to know. If you are not sure how to start a conversation when your teen seems upset, sometimes mentioning the body language you are seeing can be a supportive way to show your concern. You might say, "You look angry. Is there something I can help you with?" If you are thinking "How can I listen to my teenager if he won't talk to me?" one suggestion is to remove your teenager from the focus of the conversation. Instead of saying "Have you ever been to a party when the parents weren't home?" try "I've heard that some kids are going to parties where the parents aren't home. Have you ever heard of that happening?" This can allow your teenager to talk to you about difficult situations without worrying that you will think she is talking about herself or her friends.
That mixture of hope and fear that some of you felt when beginning this article is a common emotional reaction when thinking about your teenagers. Odds are that part of the reason you may have felt that way is because you have listened to reports about all of the dangers your teenager may face and that concerns you. The reality is that there are dangers to be concerned about and your adolescent may face some of them. This is exactly why it is so important to listen to your teen as closely as you listen to those reports and learn about their hopes and fears so that you may support them through these confusing but wonderful years.