One of ways we build a child’s self-esteem is through positive communication. Positive communication also builds the relationship and trust between you and your child. We communicate to our children both with our words and our actions. These are some ways to improve communication with your child and help her become confident, happy, and successful.
First, really listen to your child. This includes stopping what you are doing and looking at him when he is talking. Putting your hand on his arm or shoulder and using his name also communicates caring. Remember that the tone of voice you use will have more effect on what you say than the actual words themselves.
Some suggested ways of improving communication:
1. Door openers -- Example: “Really...Hmm...tell me more.” Short phrases will invite your child to continue telling you her ideas.
2. Open-ended questions -- Example: “What happened next?” These questions typically start with “what” rather than “why” which will encourage your child to open up and continue talking.
3. Reflecting feelings -- Example: “It seems like you’re feeling mad about that” or “What I hear you saying is that... Is that right?” This lets your child know that you understand and accept their feelings and also allows him to express troubling feelings.
4. "I need..." messages -- Example: “I need your help now in taking out the garbage” rather than “You’re so lazy, take that garbage out now.” This lets her know how you feel and gives her a chance to behave rather than labeling her with a negative message.
To increase your effectiveness in communicating your feelings or requests to your child, make sure you have their attention first. Children respond better to short, simple requests, and those that are stated positively. Remembering to thank your child for following through will not only increase his positive responses, but models good manners for him. Finally, if you treat your children with the same courtesy and respect that you treat your own friends, they will grow into adults who feel good about themselves and others.
Dean Robinson, M Ed Psy, CAGS, Keene High School Psychologist