As I’ve been studying the field of mental health counseling. I’ve learned a few things that have carried over into my personal life. One of the first things they teach in my Antioch classes is how to be an active listener.
Teenagers are often difficult to communicate with because they are at a stage in their lives when they are struggling between being children and adults. They yearn for the comfort of childhood, while striving for the perceived freedom of adulthood. The teenage years are confusing and mixed with a variety of emotions that often contradict.
As parents of children at this age, active listening skills can provide a tool for helping teens to feel comfortable with expressing their feelings. Active listening involves more than hearing the words your teenager is saying. You must also pay attention to how your teen is saying them. Watch body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. Teens especially can have trouble defining what emotions they are feeling, so paying attention to body language can give parents clues that are not evidenced by what the teenager is saying.
Teenagers are great at trying to hide their emotions. Emotions are felt more strongly by this age group, which can feel scary for the teen. They try to protect themselves by hiding their feelings. Body language provides parents with a clearer sense of how their children are affected by a situation than what the teen expresses verbally.
Another tip for improved listening is to allow silence when speaking with your teen. If you ask your teen a question, give them time to consider the answer. Some parents have a tendency to try to jump in with possible answers to help their teenager discover the answer. Let the silence sit and allow your teenager to formulate an answer after they’ve had time to think about it.
Don’t let your emotions get in the way of communication with your teen. When you need to confront a situation with your teenager that makes you feel angry, wait until you have calmed down before you try discussing it. Teenagers will listen better when you speak calmly. Teenagers are especially affected by the mood of others. They will be more receptive to what you have to say if they are not feeling attacked by your words.
Also, when you word your concerns to your teen, be careful not to sound accusatory. Beginning with statements that express your reaction to the situation, such as, “I felt scared when you came home late without calling,” will be understood by your teen. When you begin with statements such as, “you never call when you’re late,” your teen will probably feel defensive and angry.
When you communicate with teens, begin serious discussions when you feel calm, explain your concerns from your point of view, pay attention to body language for unspoken clues, and allow some silence for each party to consider what they want to say. These tips should improve communication with your teenager as well as with anyone else.
Written by: Sherrie Lapointe, The Monadnock Shopper